Why has nothing changed me?

I did not want to be a Christian

I didn’t like who they were. The ones I met in my life where arrogant and self-righteous. I didn’t even want there to be a God, because I didn’t want to have to be judged for my life. The idea of there being someone watching me all the time, and holding me accountable for that was so stressful inside me that I did all I could not to think about God.

In July of 1985 I was caught in a riptide at Long Beach state park in New Jersey. I was dragged out to sea and I was under the water most of the time. After fighting to stay alive for as long as I could, I came to that point of exhaustion. I was under water and I realized that I was going to die. I felt this heavy anxiety in my entire being as I realized that I am still alive, but in a minute or two, I would be dead. Within a second I was walking in towards the shore line and the water was up to about my knees. I was 17 years old and I was not mature enough to be able to process that I was just saved from drowning in a miraculous way. I was in some kind of shock and I could not understand it. I never told anyone and I tried to never think about it again.

In 1993 God would bring that drowning back to my attention and he began to move in my life. I felt like my normal life was changing and odd things seemed to be happening. I would end up listening to Christian radio in July of that year. In just a few weeks, I would pray a prayer in my car to become a follower of Christ listening to the radio. I fought so hard in the weeks before that prayer. I did not want to be a religious nut. I did not want to have to live my life following some rules. I did not want to associate with self-righteous believers, and be just one more hypocrite. But I would. Now 30 years later, I would look back and see that I too became self-righteous, and a hypocrite, for many many years. I wasn’t changing into a loving kind person. I was changing into a pious critical and condemning person. I knew I was wrong but I could not change. I could hear and see who I was, I could hear the things people would say back to me, and tell me who I was. I knew they were right, but I had no ability to change. For years I started praying that God would not let me die this way. On January 2, 2025, God would begin to answer that pray. He would not let me die that way.

If you are a believer in Christ, and you are not filled with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness (the fruit of the Holy Spirit) there is a reason.

If you were just reading what I wrote, and also feel that you too are not who God calls you to be, you don’t have to die that way either. The catalyst that God used to change me after 30 years was simple, and it was fast. I had a stronghold and I prayed with deep grief and pain for God to take it from me. If the idea of having something cast out of you by God makes you feel something negative, I felt the same way for many years, that is why I never changed. I wanted to change, but in a way that was acceptable and “normal” to me. I was always uncomfortable around people who were always talking about demons and casting everything out. But when you are you are at a point where you are really wanting to take your own life, in that moment of deep pain and suffering, your view of God removing things from you becomes an obvious option.

The reason that I was not changing into what God called me to be was that I had a stronghold in my life, it was an area in which the enemy of God had a foothold. You may have been a christian for many years, but there can be an area that is controlled by the enemy. This will keep you from changing. You may not believe me but please consider just listening a little to what God did for me.

I had been reading the bible almost every day, going to church and praying for 30 years. I would discover after being a believer for all those years, that the text, “for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” is true, and that a foothold creates a stronghold for the enemy over time, and will block you from every having any spiritual growth.

A Stronghold

A stronghold is something that is blocking your heart from being completely free in Christ. It can be just one thing or several things. Most of the time it is something that you do not recognize in yourself. Others may notice it in you, but you do not. There are a set number of areas in our heart and if just one of those areas is sinful and controlled by the influence of the enemy, than you can never fully feel free, because you are not free. Totally free means that there is absolutely nothing in your life that you are not willing to pray to Christ to remove from your life.

• A belief in something that is wrong

• Hatred towards a person or a group of people

• Not being able to admit you are wrong

• An addiction to something

• Something that means more to you than Christ

• Desire for revenge

• Refusal to forgive a person or people

• Not being able to love or show love to others

• Angry outbursts and rage

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You have been going to church, reading your bible and praying, but you are not much different than before you gave your life to Christ

The reason can be that you have a stronghold in your life, an area in which the enemy of God has a foothold. You may have been a christian for many years, but there is an area that is controlled by the enemy. this will keep you from changing.